Hungry

         This past Sunday I was leading worship and one of the songs I had chosen for the day was “Hungry (Falling on My Knees)”. If you are not familiar with this song, the lyrics are : Hungry I come to You for I know You satisfy. I am empty, but I know Your love does not run dry. So I wait for You, So I wait for You. I’m falling on my knees, offering all of me. Jesus You’re all this heart is living for. Broken, I run to You for Your arms are open wide. I am weary, but I know Your touch restores my life. So I wait for You… and so on. The “theme” of the day was Spontaneous Brokenness, and I had chosen this song simply because it spoke of brokenness and humility (plus it’s a great song). As I was leading the song the pertinence of these words really struck home. I began wondering how it was affecting BJ and how I was going to hold it together through the song (I sometimes get weepy when I worship). I made it through the worship time ok, but the song stuck with me for the rest of the day. Later that day, as the leadership team for the Davenport plant (still no name) met, the topic of fasting came up. Now this was brought up a week ago, and it was put forth that we all should consider fasting because it would be a really good thing for all of us to do. A follow-up email suggested a specific day and time for us to do the collective fast. This struck me the wrong way because I never really saw fasting as a collective issue. I mean, it was done collectively in the Bible, but that was usually as a nation in repentance to the Lord or as an edict handed down from a king or prophet to a people to be a response to something. Now, I’m not saying I have a complete theology of fasting or anything… my understanding is very incomplete. I’ve never thought of fasting as a bad thing or as being fruitless, but the few times I had fasted… just left me hungry (physically, not spiritually). Looking back on these times of fasting, they were compulsory fasts and were done either out of a desire to get something (on my part) or to appease someone else’s definition of spirituality or holiness. These situations had caused me to become very guarded about people suggesting a fast. When the topic came back up at the meeting, I guess I felt like we were being corralled into a fasting pen and I wasn’t sure of what was going on or why it was happening… so I opened my mouth.
        I have the tendency to come across as overbearing, negative, and jerk-ish when I offer push-back. I don’t know why, but it always seems like people are taken back by what I have to say when I disagree. I know this about myself, and I try to rein it in, but I ultimately cannot control an individual’s perception. At the meeting I voiced my concerns and misgivings about the fasting issue, and then felt a great discomfort in the room. Great! I did it again. I was reassured by others that it was all good, but I know how I can come across. Anyway, from that moment on I felt as though God was working on my heart to help me better understand the issue of fasting. The words to that song kept coming to mind, “Hungry I come to You, for I know You satisfy…” Later that night Jesse asked me how I express desperation to God. The ways that I offered were good, but somehow seemed hollow to me. They rang in my ears like a clanging symbol, while the “Hungry” lyrics kept becoming clearer and clearer.
        The next day brought everything to a laser-like focus. We were out riding around looking at houses, and had the opportunity to get into one and check it out. The agent who showed it to us was very nice, and through our conversation I found out she was a fellow believer. I began to explain our situation and she seemed very excited about it. The house would be very good for us. It is close to Jesse and Anitra and it is in the same development as one of Andrew’s new friends, Alex. The carpet is all jacked-up and the appliances are old, but that’s minor compared to homelessness. In the end, we would still have to pay out more money than we have just to get into the house, but I felt very confident in the connection we had made with the agent. We left, went to a meeting with Art (our new “employer”) and then went back to the Carbo house to let the kids hang out while BJ and I went looking at other places to live. When we went out to the car to go house hunting we discovered our right front tire was flat. This stunk, but what made it worse was that the same thing had happened about a week ago with the back right tire. The valve stem had come loose from the tire wall and was leaking air. Upon inspection, it was beginning to happen in the other tires as well. Fortunately, the tires were still under warranty and Tire Kingdom would fix it for free. So I called Roadside Assistance (best 2.99 a month I’ve spent) and they arranged for a truck to pick up the Explorer and take it to the tire shop. One hour later the truck finally showed up and I was able to ride to the tire place with the tow-truck guy. Once there I waited… and waited. I guess non-paying customers get shuffled to the bottom of the deck. And hour and a half later I was driving back to pick up BJ and the kids so we could go home. We had not been able to look at any other places to live. We have 9 days until we move! I at first felt like this was Satan’s work, but upon further inspection, I have come to the conclusion that it is a sign from God. Yes, we were frustrated, but why? Because our plan did not work; because we had to wait; because we were inconvenienced… But we were not harmed by it. We did not have to pay a dime to have the car towed or repaired. “So I wait for You. So I wait for You…”
        So we are waiting on God to provide. I will contact the agent and get the ball rolling on the application, but I will also begin to appeal to her spiritual nature in Christ to help us out with deposits and fees. We feel that we need to take the leap and allow God to do what He promises to do: work it out for our good (Romans 8:28). Where does fasting come into play? We are desperate. We are falling on our knees, offering all of ourselves. We are hungry for God’s satisfying glory and power. We know that God will be glorified in our satisfaction of Him, so we place our satisfaction in Him. I am going to fast over this. I don’t know how long, but I actually feel prompted by God to be hungry for Him to provide. We are going to need anywhere from $2000 to $3000 to complete our move. We don’t have it, but we are going to wait on God to provide it. If you feel moved to help us, please respond and let me know. If you feel moved to join us in desperate prayer over this, please respond and let me know. If you want to say “I told you so!”, please keep it to yourself.
        Lord, you know our needs. There is never a time when you do not know what we need. When we pray to You it doesn’t come as a surprise. You lay on our hearts what we need to pray because You have the answer ready for us. Father we are hungry and thirsty for you. We are broken and desperate for your grace, mercy, and providence. You hold sway over all things and all people. Lord we pray for you to work this out for our good, not for our sake, but so that we will glorify You with our satisfaction and pleasure in You and Your providence.